Tuesday, December 29, 2009
the bell ringer
well! i think it's time for winter vacation to end. we've had a lot of togetherness, and out of that togetherness has come many a good thing. but truth be told, my funnel for caregiving has plugged and backed up. this mama is ready for a lengthy, peaceful moment to create, to plan, to strategize, to THINK. it is time to slip into my own "creative noise", described by writer-mother jennifer new in her article "the sound of silence" as a process that is "akin to getting lost in order to find one’s way. and it’s really, really hard to do when someone needs you to wipe their behind or make mac and cheese."
now seven years into parenting, i know that break i desire is not quite so clean and easy. once they are back in school and my need for silence is satisfied, i will miss my bell ringers and wonder what all of my kvetching was about, especially because these incessant needs are becoming less and less so as they get older. my oldest no longer needs me to wipe her behind, and she can make her own macaroni and cheese. i am no longer feeding and changing around the clock. my three year old pretends that there's a lot she can't do, but left to her own devices, she'll eventually take care of business as long as she doesn't get sidetracked writing on the wall. knowing that they are learning how to take care of themselves means that i need less time to recharge, and on really good days, i feel their absence more intensely. jennifer's children are young like mine, and she recognizes the same shift of emotion. "already i fear the silence of their departure," she writes, "just as i once feared their noise."
but for now, deliver me please. for just a moment.