Wednesday, November 3, 2010
art every day month #3: remember to look
these were some of the first words i wrote in my journal when i started this world a few years ago, for by nature i am not an observer. i'm impatient. i have a hard time living in the present. if i don't make a deliberate effort to notice things, then i rush rush rush through my days, rush my family, rush myself, and for what? i miss things entirely, don't take the time to take things in context, don't stop to think, THIS IS MY LIFE HAPPENING. nerve endings deaden. instants pass and wash into another. missed moments gang up on me at night and run through my head like what-could-have-been movies. it's something i've always struggled with, a disability i know is worth overcoming. when i can delight in a moment, or just acknowledge that it's an important part of my day instead of an annoyance i have to get past, i find a natural contentedness in that. it is a mindset that rights so many wrongs within me. but as i said, for someone who wasn't born with that perspective, it takes work.
my blog has helped a lot with this. when i post spontaneously and often, i feel alive. my kids have helped a lot with this. they don't let me NOT notice. my town helps a lot with this. it's hard not to when there are googly eyes in trees and people lounging in the street and typewriters installed in front yards. my art helps with this. because creating always helps. my husband helps with this. he's one of those who naturally appreciate the value of an everyday moment. but despite all this help i've felt myself slipping back into my rushy ruts and generally just being a big kvetch.
this morning i felt it was time to give that old doodle new life, because i needed it. i drew it from scratch, gave it a new outfit, more color, more messiness, more detail, more immediacy. to remind me that the piece of toast left on the table with one bite taken out of it is not just something i have to clean up, but a sign that my seven year old was there that morning. that when the four year old has to stop and look at every freaking leaf on the sidewalk, she's simply enjoying herself, even if i'm not, and that counts for something in her life. to remember that what defines my life is not what will be happening in ten years or what i could be accomplishing if it weren't for this or that, but what is happening RIGHT NOW, at this very moment. well, i've teared up a bit writing this, which means i've struck a nerve somewhere within me. a moment lived, a moment appreciated. i think that means i'm off to a good start!